Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If I become President, I'm going to change the name of the Rocky Mountains to the Smokey Mountains since weed is legal over there.

   Tuesday is Groundhog Day, I'm very excited. I get up early on Groundhog Day...... I stuff the groundhog and I put it in the crock pot on low, and by the time I get home from work it's ready to go.

   Don’t be afraid to be open-minded. Your brain isn’t going to fall out.

   I wash my hands BEFORE I pee because my hands are dirty not my wiener

   I too will be boycotting the Oscars. .. Oh, also I wasn't invited

   Nice try airport, you checked my bag and pockets for weed but you forgot to check my system. Hahahaha

   This girl tweeted at me to DM her. What a weirdo, how am I supposed to Dungeon Master her?

   Now I'm not Mexicana but I think that new song "no me gusta" is Spanish for "That's not my Goose"

   I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards

   Me: *places anti-diarrheal medication on checkout counter... Cashier: "Would you like a bag?"... Me: "No, I'll just go at home."

   How to laundry like me... 1)Throw all clothes in washer & turn on... 2)Forget about for 7 days... 3)Smells mildew... 4)Repeat steps 1-3... 5)Buy new clothes

   What exactly do you need to eat to achieve "wall splatter" in a public restroom?....* People amaze me.

   Why do so many Americans hate people from the middle east, yet build churches to worship someone from the middle east? How stupid is that.

   High School is like a free trial of education and when you're done it says "If you want to continue pay $50,000."

   I finally received my W2 from Facebook

   I am not going bald on the crown of my head, it's an alien crop circle.

   The Farmer's Almanac predicts a mild winter, a dry summer, and no sex for me until at least 2026.

   I wanted to touch you, taste your sweetness with soft aromas beckoning me - it was just the beginning of our tragic love story. *pastries

   To all you virgins.....Thanks for nothing!

   It's not a real trip to the grocery store until I run into someone I know, say goodbye to them, and run into them in the very next aisle.