Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpies.

   I started a Hotcake business but they aren’t selling. FML.

   Drinking decaffeinated coffee is like going to a brothel for a hug.

   The difference between a teacher and a train conductor? One trains the mind while the other minds the train.

   So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.

   Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?

   Just applied for a job, fingers crossed I will be able to quit my current position of living room curator, tv remote control specialist.

   *date.... GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?..... LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.

   [Cow pushing 3 shopping carts out of store].. Ugh,,, Why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

   they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"

   [working in garage]... "Hand me a screwdriver, son".... A flat one?.... "No".... [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

   [dog wedding]... [Bride throws bouquet into crowd]... [Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]... [Bride throws bouquet again]... [Groom catches.............. *etc...

   I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...

   Bristol Palin is not amused with Tina Fey's impression of her mother, Sarah Palin. Perhaps it's was Sarah Palin doing an impression on Tina Fey. No one ever thinks about that.

   Don't worry Ted, if the whole Presidency thing doesn't work for you perhaps you should try to become the Prime Minister of Canada.

   it too late for the Dowager Countess of Grantham to run for President??

   Sex is the only activity where hiring a professional is considered wrong and is often illegal.

   It's bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   Question, Is it still considered "drinking alone" if you're on Facebook?