Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into an optometrist...Horse: Will SOMEONE please help me?

   Sometimes, to retain moisture, I'll brine whatever I'm smoking or grilling. I've found the best brine is made from the tears of 1000 vegans.

   I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I am just drunk.

   My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.

   How about a horror movie where if you close your eyes for even a second,, your wife steals another one of your dresser drawers?

   Steps to survive on a dessert island... 1. check spelling... 2. if correct, enjoy

   WIFE: Are you even listening to me?... ME: Of course... WIFE: Oh yeah, what did I say?... ME: [smoke bomb]... WIFE: I can still see you... ME: [Another smoke bomb]

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   *At Olive Garden*... Waiter: Parmesan cheese, sir?.. Me: I'll tell you when to stop... Waiter:..... Me..... Waiter:..... Me:..... Waiter: Sir *crying* my arm... Me: I'll tell you when.

   If you are a famous musician and you are over 60,,, please be careful in 2016.

   I failed my employee drug test today because of the drugs I have to take to tolerate my coworkers. FML.

   Polly wolly doodle all the day?.. In this economy?

   How do you know when your GF is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.

   Horse walks into a bar. Barkeep says "Hey. Why the long face?"

   if you see me eating salad in a restaurant, ive been kidnapped and I am trying to signal you

   Good Better Best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better. and your better best.

   Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?

   Me: Hold still,,, All I'm trying to do is wipe your nose.... Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*

   Here's some sad news. The man who invented the electric blanket passed away last week. Instead of cremation, he asked that his blanket be turned up to 9.

   Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING???