Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon I thought about you this morning. I was cleaning my gun.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 02:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
←Rate | 10-12-2015 09:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 09:37 by unknown comic Comments (0)  

   messageicon FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 09:39 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every musical should have a minor character that's aware of all the music and dancing and is visibly terrified.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 09:42 by unknown comic Comments (0)  

   messageicon The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 09:44 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 10:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon With enough warning, I can be very spontaneous.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 10:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wrote a book about my sex life "Me, Myself & Why" will be available this fall in all major bookstores..
←Rate | 10-12-2015 12:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I'm sad, I remember that my cats most likely think I’m out hunting for them all day, and then I feel like a badass again
←Rate | 10-12-2015 14:34 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you don’t use steroids in the state of Florida, how the hell are you supposed to fight off the escaped pythons?
←Rate | 10-12-2015 14:47 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Where do people go when they unfriend you???... Is it a better place???
←Rate | 10-12-2015 15:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today at crossfit, we had to spoon wild mountain lions.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 15:06 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just asked my neighbors if they wanted to go drinking and accidentally did the blowjob hand signal.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 15:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar, and The Martian: America has spent too much money retrieving Matt Damon. It is time to stop.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 16:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Taco Bell should have pink tacos for breast cancer awareness month. Who doesn't like eating pink tacos?
←Rate | 10-12-2015 17:52 by ianbuckeye Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday you lazy fcuk
←Rate | 10-12-2015 20:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mike Vick has had better days in Leavenworth
←Rate | 10-12-2015 21:53 by migasjoe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 22:01 Comments (0)  

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