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   messageicon I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!
←Rate | 02-14-2013 19:23 by @topherjordan Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just bought 2 donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard ツ
←Rate | 02-24-2013 11:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon * Walk in jury duty.... * Hand both lawyers a copy of my latest status updates..... * Walk out of jury duty....
←Rate | 03-08-2013 14:24 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat...
←Rate | 03-08-2013 14:36 by JEBI Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Putting a load in the dishwasher" has different meanings depending on whether you're married or not.
←Rate | 03-08-2013 18:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You're annoying, but honestly, I've been annoyed by better.
←Rate | 03-11-2013 17:50 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon My kid is almost old enough for social media, so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and there/their/they're.
←Rate | 03-20-2013 17:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do I have to add my birthday to your calendar? It's on my page.
←Rate | 03-21-2013 18:08 by L Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I'm probably going to die alone.
←Rate | 03-28-2013 17:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.
←Rate | 04-04-2013 05:49 by Huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon MLM's…aka "PYRAMID SCHEMES" is just like the LOTTERY. It gives MILLIONS of people hopes & dreams but in reality they just end up losing money while ONLY A FEW hit the jackpot.
←Rate | 04-08-2013 15:35 Comments (3)  


   messageicon I just changed my relationship status from "left hand" to "right hand"...
←Rate | 04-18-2013 09:10 by JEBI Comments (0)  


   messageicon If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life
←Rate | 04-23-2013 16:17 by Joseph Robert Comments (0)  


   messageicon Morning showers: you never want to get in, then you never want to get out.
←Rate | 05-24-2013 01:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me.
←Rate | 06-07-2013 11:09 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.
←Rate | 09-11-2012 15:12 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.
←Rate | 09-13-2012 06:29 by Huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon "You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."
←Rate | 09-19-2012 21:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm always very flattered and humbled when I get an invitation on facebook from someone I don't know, to attend something I never heard of, along with about 12,000 other people.
←Rate | 10-11-2012 01:16 by T-Dubb Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never in my life have I ever seen someone so excited to take a sh!t!----Those Bears in the Charmin commercial
←Rate | 07-25-2012 07:50 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  



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