Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   65% of parenting is figuring out what the heck your kid is pointing at and then acknowledging it before he melts down.

   Mothers: Please don't tell your little girls "He's only mean because he likes you" and then wonder why they grow up and marry A-holes.

   No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don't want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.

   When you're tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."..

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a little sister to play with." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Sure, send me your mom and wait about 9 months."

   I don't like to make plans too far in advance because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

   Kim and Kanye name their newborn son Saint West because it will take a miracle for him to turn out normal.

   If Bruce Jenner can keep his weiner and be considered a woman, I can keep my guns and be considered unarmed.

   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

   Why did the semen cross the road ? Cause I wore the wrong socks today ...

   You don't alwayds have a Plan, Sometimes you just got to have balls

   You don't always need a plan Bro, Sometimes you just need Balls . Harden the f*ck up

   Seriously, fucktards. Zuckerburg isn't giving anyone 4.5 mill. You're just embarrassing yourself.

   Don't look now, but your Secret Santa is watching you!

   How many Syrian refugees will be let in before you are beheaded?

   Have you asked yourself "Why is it that the "most transparent administration in history" can't tell you where it's hiding the Syrian refugees and Illegals it's sending around the country?

   Math Quiz: 200,000 Syrian refugees x 10% estimated terrorists = how many ISIS terrorists? According to Obama's math education program, the answer is Zero

   Winning the NFC East this year is like getting a participation trophy.

   I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately.

   If you watch Cinderella backwards its about a woman who learns her place.