Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Unsubscribing to emails requires three or more clicks,, So I'm just going to keep deleting them for the rest of my life.

   PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.

   Q: How do you know your house was robbed by a black guy? A: When your house is robbed

   Remember kids -- it may be illegal to text and drive,,, but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

   Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

   And then the devil said, "Just tell her to calm down."

   (Around campfire with flashlight on face).... "Then they realized,, Adele was calling from inside the house!!"

   screwed up the settings on my 4D printer,, and now there's a scale model of the Death Star somewhere in 1674.

   Well,,,, Marvin Gaye's family is suing me for asking what's going on.

   An American walks into a Canadian grocery store , walks up tp the Juice section and says to His wife, Hey, These Canadians put Raisins in their Grape juice.

   What I wanted to do in 2015: drink water and eat healthy. What I actually did in 2015: drink margaritas and eat tacos.

   Ever since I found those "Free Kittens" ads on Craigslist it's saved me a lot of money feeding my boa constrictor.

   Don't blame God for everything that is wrong with the world. It's not His fault that bad stuff happens. It's Man's fault that bad stuff happens.

   "I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”This's brought you by a cashier who is afraid of losing their job.

   Scientists have discovered a planet that has four sunsets a day. Imagine how frigging tedious Instagram is there.?

   One for the money... Two for the show... Three to get ready... Four to speak to a customer service representitive... Press * to hear these options again.

   Sorry can't... Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and taking copious notes.

   He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too.

   Syed Rizwan Farook and Tashfeen Malik dropped their baby off with its grandmother and told her they had a doctor's appointment. I guess technically, a coronor is a doctor.

   2016 New Year's resolution: Tell your wife/girlfriend (or both) that every time they give you a BJ, you are going to put a dollar in an envelope. At the end of the year, you will use that money to buy her 2016 Christmas gift. More money = Nicer gift.