Funny Status Messages

   all I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

   I had a fight with the wife and didn't see her for three days... Then the swelling went down and I could see her out of one eye

   If it werent for the gutter my mind would be homeless!!!

   A craving for some cookies 'n MILF

   Paris Hilton is working on a new CD. I believe this one is called, "And You Thought the First One Sucked".

   There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

   loves how my gf calls me on her breaks. Which involves hearing courtesy flushes. Learn to break somewhere else.Thanks.

   Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back...

   May the 4th be with you!

   Do you think there's any limit to how many blades they'll put on razors? Like in 2025 there will be the Schick Annihilator 100.

   having an out of money experience

   So I guess the movie 'Armageddon' shows that oil workers are better at destroying asteroids than stopping oil leaks

   Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

   My ceiling fan has two settings... "On" and "S#it, that's dusty."

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack mace and a taser.

   What's the difference between complete and finished? When you have a beautiful girlfriend your life is complete, your wife finds out about it you're finished.

   Maury: "Darth Vader, you.... ARE the father." Luke: "Nooooo!"

   People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

   I'm not at all ashamed to admit that I pick my hotels solely based upon the items they show in the pictures of their continental breakfast.