Funny Status Messages

   having an out of money experience

   So I guess the movie 'Armageddon' shows that oil workers are better at destroying asteroids than stopping oil leaks

   Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

   My ceiling fan has two settings... "On" and "S#it, that's dusty."

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack mace and a taser.

   What's the difference between complete and finished? When you have a beautiful girlfriend your life is complete, your wife finds out about it you're finished.

   Maury: "Darth Vader, you.... ARE the father." Luke: "Nooooo!"

   People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

   knows why boy scouts don't sell cookies. Because nobody would eat a cookie with 'BS' on it.

   disappointed in his new phone. It promised more bars in more places but all I see are the same old bars and the same old drunks.

   A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

   I don't think I'm ever going to win the lottery.. I can't even pick the pen that works from a choice of two at the lottery stand.

   all I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

   I had a fight with the wife and didn't see her for three days... Then the swelling went down and I could see her out of one eye

   If it werent for the gutter my mind would be homeless!!!

   A craving for some cookies 'n MILF

   I'm not at all ashamed to admit that I pick my hotels solely based upon the items they show in the pictures of their continental breakfast.

   One of the best feelings is cutting a person off and then having them do something to reassure you that you made the right decison.

   I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so friggin' heroic.