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I don't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better. 
As a young child my mom told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out the police call it identity theft.
The problem with new year's resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."I'm not going to fart in church."
just watched 'Marley and Me'... Sad movie. I won't give it away but lets just say the sequel will just be called... 'Me'.
I am so happy to hear that curiousity killed the cat. For a while, I was the only suspect..
I only date Calendars.
To hate a person is a waste; half the people you hate don't care, and the other half don't know.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.
there is a thin line between love and hate....and I'd like to pick up that line and strangle you with it.......
I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.
Dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone: Do you see what you've done? I hope you're happy.
Automatic urinal. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic hand dryer. Gets rendered useless after you grab the bathroom doors handle.
Only five shopping days left until the apocalypse!
I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.
So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.
So many girls are in a relationship with single guys. 