Funny Status Messages

   The problem with new year's resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."I'm not going to fart in church."

   just watched 'Marley and Me'... Sad movie. I won't give it away but lets just say the sequel will just be called... 'Me'.

   I am so happy to hear that curiousity killed the cat. For a while, I was the only suspect..

   Did anyone ever think that Charlie Brown could have used some counseling? I mean seriously, the kid was bullied, made fun of, and was bald by the time he was ten!

   For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell.

   wanted to go for a nature walk in the woods with my ex today, but the shovel wont fit in my backpack :/

   Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game were Big dots eating little dots while being chase by others dots who ran when my dot ate a special dot....

   I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it......a bed.

   I don't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.

   As a young child my mom told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out the police call it identity theft.

   Happy New Year! Here's wishing my dyselxia better gets in 1020.

   At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

   Dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone: Do you see what you've done? I hope you're happy.

   Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.

   My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.

   there is a thin line between love and hate....and I'd like to pick up that line and strangle you with it.......

   I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.

   I only date Calendars.