Funny Status Messages

   I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night.

   To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.

   I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it......a bed.

   I don't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.

   As a young child my mom told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out the police call it identity theft.

   Happy New Year! Here's wishing my dyselxia better gets in 1020.

   At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

   I only date Calendars.

   To hate a person is a waste; half the people you hate don't care, and the other half don't know.

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

   Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.

   My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.

   there is a thin line between love and hate....and I'd like to pick up that line and strangle you with it.......

   I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.

   Dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone: Do you see what you've done? I hope you're happy.

   Automatic urinal. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic hand dryer. Gets rendered useless after you grab the bathroom doors handle.

   Only five shopping days left until the apocalypse!

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry