Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

   The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.

   If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body....

   I have a black belt in leather

   I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over

   It's ok if you don't like my personality,,, I've got others.

   It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13,, and men get their boobs when they're in their 40's

   I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…Yeah,,I probably don't need a receipt

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?

   If there's a sombrero on my doorknob it means I'm in my room eating nachos and don't want to share.

   If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.

   I took a nap... Well, actually I was jumping on the bed and the ceiling fan knocked me unconscious,,,,,,,,,,,,,, But still

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...

   My bucket list is still half Original Recipe,,, and half Extra Crispy.

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!

   I’m the world record holder for the most arguments won against a woman................................................. 1 to be exact

   A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.