Funny Status Messages

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.

   I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!

   Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

   Lady in front of us in 15 items or less lane with about 30 items, so I smiled and said "Math wasn't your strongest subject,was it?"

   If she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.

   Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

   Kate is officially a milf

   I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

   I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

   I say the candidates do us all a favor and stop the annoying commercial/adds on TV and donate that money to help those affected by Sandy.

   Hey Bob Costas, you can have my Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms the day after you give up your right to free speech under the First Amendment.

   3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...

   I have Started a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there

   I know it's the 100th year anniversary of Titanic and all that but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?

   If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

   FACT: Relationships last longer when everybody doesnt know your business

   People who take pictures of them with tons of money and post them on Facebook…………. have no money.