Funny Status Messages

   Before Facebook, if I read something really funny I would laugh. Now I just click the "Like" button without changing my facial expression at all.

   I'm selling baby shirts that says "Not everything stays in Vegas."

   I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."

   Sanity is a luxury not meant for everyone

   Satan called, he wants his weather back..

   I'm a big fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars.

   Does anyone else's leg falsely alert you that your phones vibrating? I hate that!

   Leaving me a 3 minute voicemail is unnecessary

   RECYCLING RULE 101: if no one saw what clothes you were wearing today, its totally fine to wear them again tomorrow.

   Sadly we often see the best in humanity only after times of great tragedy...

   I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   Kanye West would be folding sweaters at the Gap right now if Tupac and Biggie were still around.

   Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!

   Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice or they like you. Take alligators for example.

   It's 2012. We're supposed to have flying cars and stuff. But no... Just pajamas that look like jeans.

   Maybe, just maybe, the guy that was in charge of designing the Mayan calendar just died when he got to December 2012 and nobody else felt like continuing it because they were like, "why the hell were we planning that far ahead anyway?".

   For the life of me, I can't understand why small and medium pizzas exist.

   I left a note on my neighbors car asking him to stop parking in front of my house. I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.

   Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

   Respect your parents. They made it through high school without google or wikipedia.