Funny Status Messages

   thinks there are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

   I love eating at Subway. It's the only place I get to say "I'd like a 12 inch Italian" without being judged.

   Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it's just a diagnosis.

   That awkward moment when you're at a red light and you look at the person next to you and they're already looking at you

   Dear infommercials.. Clearly its not a $100 value if you're selling it for 10 bucks

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   A boy was being mean to my 6 year old daughter yesterday, so she punched him in the eye... Was ice cream the correct punishment?

   I just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.

   Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

   I think about running away from home more often as an adult than I ever did when I was a kid.

   I should probably press charges on myself after the shower I just took.

   Ever wonder how many of your friends are jerks? Just post something with a typo in it..... It's like their mating call.

   Apparently reenacting scenes from the deadliest catch is frowned upon at the Red Lobster.

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   Facebook has just suggested I poke my wife . . . Yeah good one facebook . . . Been trying for weeks . .

   Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?

   Quitting Facebook is the new, adult version of running away from home. We all know you're doing it for attention and we all know that you'll be back.

   If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman - or a new car. ....

   #891... you didnt inbox me a number but I've always wanted to say this to you. Your depressing posts piss me off to no end! You need a haircut, I dont think he loves you anymore either, and I really dont give a Shi! what adorable trick your cat did today!

   Israel changes its relationship status with Egypt on FB to "it's complicated". Lebanon, Syria & Palestine 'like' this