Funny Status Messages

   I love eating at Subway. It's the only place I get to say "I'd like a 12 inch Italian" without being judged.

   Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it's just a diagnosis.

   wonders why do some women think restrooms are the best place to take pictures. Look at me don't I look sexy by this big roll of toilet paper.

   A boy was being mean to my 6 year old daughter yesterday, so she punched him in the eye... Was ice cream the correct punishment?

   Ever wonder how many of your friends are jerks? Just post something with a typo in it..... It's like their mating call.

   I think about running away from home more often as an adult than I ever did when I was a kid.

   I should probably press charges on myself after the shower I just took.

   Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

   I just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.

   Apparently reenacting scenes from the deadliest catch is frowned upon at the Red Lobster.

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   Facebook has just suggested I poke my wife . . . Yeah good one facebook . . . Been trying for weeks . .

   Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?

   Quitting Facebook is the new, adult version of running away from home. We all know you're doing it for attention and we all know that you'll be back.

   If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman - or a new car. ....

   #891... you didnt inbox me a number but I've always wanted to say this to you. Your depressing posts piss me off to no end! You need a haircut, I dont think he loves you anymore either, and I really dont give a Shi! what adorable trick your cat did today!

   Israel changes its relationship status with Egypt on FB to "it's complicated". Lebanon, Syria & Palestine 'like' this

   I found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and I picked the skull up and wondered "Who was this person?","Where did he come from?" "How did he die?",and "Why did he have moose antlers?"

   Want to know if you're in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it's over. You're welcome.

   Just once on a cooking show I'd like someone to taste-test the completed dish, scrunch up their face and say, "Oh my God, that tastes like sh*t!"