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It's not a real trip to the grocery store until I run into someone I know, say goodbye to them, and run into them in the very next aisle. 
Quick, someone take one for the team and fall in love with me. Happy Valentine's Day.
You say I'm losing myself to alcohol like it's a bad thing.
I'm beginning to understand why Syria, Raqqa 5-Star Al-Aladin VIP vacation packages are being steeply discounted....
IF YOU'VE HAD CATS,,,,,,, THE SINGLES VIRUS MAY ALREADY BE INSIDE YOU.
To those girls wearing too much makeup....Whoa calm down, it's a face not a coloring book.
Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch, just to let them know what I'm capable of.
Why Women Cry: 1) Sadness. 2) Happiness. 3) ??????.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
just cracked open a book or as I like to call it "a beer"
Please enjoy my TED Talk, "Turn Signals: They're How You Tell Other Drivers What the Heck You're Doing"
Cuddling, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets an erection....
In my defense your honor. She enjoyed the time she spent in my basement.
I like to believe that somewhere out there the British Lindsay Lohan (from the Parent Trap movie) has managed to live a more stable life.
Hillary Clinton says she tries not to miss Reruns of 'Grey's Anatomy.' Bill said, 'I watched it once. Not enough anatomy.'"
Indians seem to always have a Discount. I asked Rajesh what time is it? He replied, " Its 3 O'clock my friend but for you I will make it 2.30".
My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."
have you ever sat thru an entire light at a intersection cause you were too busy looking at your phone?....me neither
Due to the recent debate over public restrooms from this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... Pats!
I've finally come to grips with the fact I'm old. My family held an outdoor birthday party for me, and when they lit the candles, the Girl Scouts appeared out of nowhere, circled the cake, and began to sing Kum Ba Yah. 