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In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion is like what the heck am I doing here i'm a savannah animal 
6 yrs now the dogs have forgotten fathers day...not even a hug..
Sure, my glass is half full. But my beer is half empty
If there is a parallel universe out their with another me who's my opposite. He got universe where the usb goes in the right way first time....I'm the other guy.
The best part about having multiple personalities is that you're never alone.
For you to insult me, I first have to acknowledge your existence.
campfire]And that's when he realized... HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
Dating 101: Let me buy you food and grab your booty
This woman can cook up a storm. I think after dumping her I am going to offer her the job to be my personal chef.
I don't even bother to look in the mirror anymore. If I do than I'll see that I should probably shave. . .
Marriage? If I wanted to share a room with someone I'm not having sex with I'd have gone back to high-school!
Women... Most of the time we don't get you anyway, so no need to be all covert with your weird sh*t. Just be weird and sexy.
When she says, "No its fine, I'll just go by myself". That's pretty much the figure four leg lock of passive aggressive behavior.
Music should come in 3 genres: music you fight to, music you f#@k to and music you speed to.
I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.
Do these yoga pants make me look like I want to have sex with you?
Last night I kicked off my shoes, stripped down to my boxers and laid on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn. Enjoying the experience of the new home theater system. Apparently the Best Buy salesman wanted me to take it home and try it first.
Dear Chive: Stop me if you've heard this already but your new app suc...
FACT: I prefer Dairy Queen Blizzards to Jonas blizzards.
Now I'm not Mexicana but I think that new song "no me gusta" is Spanish for "That's not my Goose" 