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Has Susanne Atanus looked in a mirror? What's god punishing her for? 
The great thing about hanging up on someone is you can no longer hear them talking.
Love fades with time, shape, weight, looks and bank balance.
Wow Newman looks the best out of all of them
Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds
Slipped on a banana peel and fate caught me
“I want to see my lawyer” - grilled chicken
Malaria is a pretty name for a girl.
Presidents Day is here, when we can celebrate Abraham Lincoln driving all the vampires out of the USA
For valentine's day I wrote out a list of 100 ways we can die together.
If you're flirting with everybody, even with dogs, you should doubt your sanity.
Now that Christmas shopping and madness is over, I'm expecting applications for potential girlfriends...
Crapchat instead of Snapchat... if you are into that kind of thing...
"Trust me bro, she's a 10" ~ Tequilla
Sports Illustrated featuring a hot plus sized model on the cover is just as "brave" as Jenny McCarthy is a "doctor"
A cop pulled me over this morning but let me go. Maybe these man boobs aren't all bad after all!
"Was the Golf War because Tiger Woods was a bad man? ~ My friends 9 year old daughter. Shout out to home schooling.
Unless the only drama in this relationship is just us out of alcohol, I am indifferent to it.
"You know what would make this taste a whole lot better? Turkey bacon!" ~ No one, ever.
Your Apple Watch gets email. You can send texts. It has a corkscrew, nail clipper, tooth pick, scissors, tweezers, a compass, and if you put it on the floor and stand on it and it will tell you how much you weigh. 