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If your life involves less drinking and cursing, it's gonna involve less of me. 
I mean I was in a good mood, but that was before I wake up.
Thanks for the suggestion, serving size... I've had a good laugh,, and will now make you feel stupid for being so wrong.
just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die
I'm at one of those awkward stages in my weight loss effort where one belt notch is too loose and the next one is too tight.
Be wary of programmers bearing screwdrivers. Be VERY wary of programmers bearing soldering irons.
Some call it love, I call it vodka.
"Honesty is still the best policy, but with a little bit of common sense"...
Enough with the chit chat.. its time to hit that
I'm white, but I'm not "Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air" white.
Arrested again? Let me search old Chris Brown jokes to insert here....
I think I was born during the wrong time in history. I woulda been hot as a cavewoman.
Did't have time to hit the gym today. That'll be.. let me see.. 6 years in a row.
I thought I would try out that glow in the dark trunk latch release in my car. So, is anyone available to come by my place and let me out of my trunk?
People that think they know you better than you know yourself, is the reason why throat punching was invented
If anyone could witness the chaos of my kids getting ready for school, we'd see a decline in pregnancies.
Pro tip: Let women know ahead of time how bad you are in bed by overusing the word "awesome"
Wife: Silent Me: What's wrong? Wife: Nothing Me: Grabs shield and sword
I'm starting to think I might be a Vampire. If I got stabbed in the heart with a wooden stake I think it would kill me
Good moaning to you all!! (that is not a typo) 