Funny Status Messages

   After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyway.

   If a guys says ''I can't feel anything wearing trhis condom!'' Ask him if he can feel you sucking the money out of his paycheck for trhe next 18 years!!!''

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.

   If cockroaches can survive nuclear war and chemical warfare, then I want to know what is in a can of RAID?

   You know we're in a recession when they start making game shows where the winner gets a job.

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on them.

   My wife said, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong" I said.."And whose fault is that?"

   We all used Facebook out of curiosity and it ended as an addiction.

   As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought... "Just throw the d@mn thing."

   I hate it when I wake up from drinking and I have "I love c0ck" written on my forehead. Especially when I've been drinking at home alone.

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You're actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.

   When talking with a woman in her 30s, it's super important to always pretend to be shocked when she tells you she's in her 30s.

   "The Force" is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can't tell he is kissing his own sister?

   The best thing about partaking in the secret santa at work means I can finally give one special lady the mustache trimmer she so desperately needs.

   Hey,,Just started reading "The Chubby Checker Story". No spoilers please,,,,,,, apparently there's a twist.

   Still confused why we use soap and water to remove food from our hands, but just dry paper to remove sh!t from our a$$holes

   Her: What did you buy me for my birthday? Him: You see that pink Mercedes over there? Her: Yessss??? Him: Well I brought you a toothbrush the same color.

   The best way to end an argument is to let your opponent scream out a statement and reply by throwing up your hands and saying, "That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you!" and then walking away.

   now taking reservations for midnight kisses on Friday night. Sign up below.

   You know the times where you're laying on your back looking at your phone by lifting it in the air but lose your grip and hit yourself in the face?