Funny Status Messages

   Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.

   When is Oreo going to start selling just the filling?

   From now on every time I see a "for lease" sign, I will put a "navidad" sign under it

   Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.

   Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.

   When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.

   Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

   This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ......... NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111!

   Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.

   Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

   Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

   Cell phone, I dont know why you keep capitalizing VODKA, But I like the way you party....

   wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60" flat screen mirror?

   Husband says to wife,"My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I'll wear gold tonight." Wife says ‘Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change?

   My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

   Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don't make the rules people.

   That special feeling of joy when a baby grabs your finger with their whole hand.

   With all these laws cracking down on texting while driving, I think it's a little bit ironic that every police car I see has a open laptop attached to the dashboard. You telling me that's not a distraction? 

   Just saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.