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Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about. 
Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.
Ladies... If you want guys at the bar to leave you alone don't tell them you have a boyfriend cause men don't care about that. Tell them you have a þénís.
You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.
Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.
You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break.
There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ......... NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111!
Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.
Cell phone, I dont know why you keep capitalizing VODKA, But I like the way you party....
wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60" flat screen mirror?
Husband says to wife,"My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I'll wear gold tonight." Wife says ‘Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change?
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don't make the rules people.
That special feeling of joy when a baby grabs your finger with their whole hand.
With all these laws cracking down on texting while driving, I think it's a little bit ironic that every police car I see has a open laptop attached to the dashboard. You telling me that's not a distraction?
Just saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you. 