Funny Status Messages

   I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.

   I just got an email with the subject line "Whales are counting on you". I responded "Whales are making a serious mistake"

   According to the BMI chart I am too short.

   When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from google know it's urgent.

   Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.

   Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.

   Ladies... If you want guys at the bar to leave you alone don't tell them you have a boyfriend cause men don't care about that. Tell them you have a þénís.

   You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.

   Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.

   You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break.

   There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

   Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.

   This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ......... NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111!

   Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

   Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

   Cell phone, I dont know why you keep capitalizing VODKA, But I like the way you party....

   wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60" flat screen mirror?

   That special feeling of joy when a baby grabs your finger with their whole hand.

   Husband says to wife,"My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I'll wear gold tonight." Wife says ‘Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change?

   My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.