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Kanye West and Kim Kardashian lock eyes... "I love you" Kanye whispers as he sees his own reflection in Kim's eyes. 
How much for the survival kit? Sir, that's an iPhone charger.
"If anyone here knows why these two should not be married speak now or-"......*Admiral Akbar rises*...... "IT'S A TRAP!!!..."
"Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life."
Facebook should have a limit on how many selfies you can post in a day...
A Youtube wet t-shirt contest to benefit ALS... I bet the breast cancer marketers wish they had thought of that one...
Can I have your cyber-attention please ?
Government responses: Ferguson: lets hope for the best ISIS: we'll def look into it Nude Pics Leak: THE FBI WILL BRING DOWN THESE TERRORISTS
How much for that babysitter? Ma'am, that's a roll of duct tape I'll take it!
*Shows up to salsa lessons with Tostitos* Haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Maybe men wouldn't have such a low tolerance for pain if women didn't have such a low tolerance for men in pain...
Well as tomorrow approaches, November 1st. I can start growing my taint hair for "No Shave November." Will you notice?
Hey Rob Lowe,,, You should have called,,,, I would have loaned you a couple of bucks!!
Guy, EVERYONE. Listen. I'm going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner than as a lying hypocrite.
A couple in their 80's decided to date. The woman asked the man right off the bat about sex. "What about sex....how often do you expect to have sex?" The man said, "In-frequently." She goes, "Is that one word, or two?"
"I'm dreaming of a white...easter," said no one EVER!
Reflecting on my life... I'm really surprised I haven't been shot in the face.
If I ever send you LOL, you should know I prolly faked it! :P
You CAN'T tell me that "Wendy Williams" Has Never, Wrestled For WWF. 