Funny Status Messages

   Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say

   I don't know what "Swagger" is but I know Justin Bieber and lil wayne both claim to have it so I'm assuming it's not talent.

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

   Silence is the best answer to a stupid question.

   thinks the best part about his job is that his chair spins!

   .♫♪♫..it's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas...♫♪♫

   DONT YOU HATE THAT KID WHO REMINDS THE TEACHER ABOUT TESTS OR QUIZES....

   Please stop calling me a "cracker." The correct term in "Saltine-American."

   I think if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single" or petition for a new status called "I am bootycall."

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time

   Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"

   you know you're getting old when you see a beautiful 19 year old girl and wonder what her mother looks like.

   A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he's just going to use it for drugs and alcohol, and then I thought... That's what I'm going to use it for

   After several hours of intense negotiating at the car dealership, I'm happy to say that I'm the proud owner of a 30ft. inflatible Gorilla...Yeah baby.....

   Due to the holiday my status will be closed... I Will reopen tomorrow at 8am. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.. Enjoy your day people!!

   You have six kids with six different fathers and you're on this online dating site looking for a honest and committed man with no kids...ok..good luck....

   I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?

   Sigh. Guess it's time to go do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself inside our fridge and left a note "can't live like this"

   A psycho and a teenage girl are walking thru dark scary woods..Teanage girls says"My I am very scared walking thru these woods" The psycho replies"How do you think I feel ? I have to walk back alone"