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Screw doing sit ups...teddy bears don't and everyone loves them. 
there is 1 Adderall in my system and 3057 bricks on the front of my house.
I often wonder if idiots who rush to be first in the boarding line know that the plane is going to leave at the same time for all of us.
Hey ladies, tired of your boyfriend complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
thinks the best part about his job is that his chair spins!
.♫♪♫..it's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas...♫♪♫
DONT YOU HATE THAT KID WHO REMINDS THE TEACHER ABOUT TESTS OR QUIZES....
Please stop calling me a "cracker." The correct term in "Saltine-American."
I think if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single" or petition for a new status called "I am bootycall."
Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"
Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time
you know you're getting old when you see a beautiful 19 year old girl and wonder what her mother looks like.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he's just going to use it for drugs and alcohol, and then I thought... That's what I'm going to use it for
After several hours of intense negotiating at the car dealership, I'm happy to say that I'm the proud owner of a 30ft. inflatible Gorilla...Yeah baby.....
Due to the holiday my status will be closed... I Will reopen tomorrow at 8am. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.. Enjoy your day people!!
You have six kids with six different fathers and you're on this online dating site looking for a honest and committed man with no kids...ok..good luck....
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
Sigh. Guess it's time to go do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself inside our fridge and left a note "can't live like this"
A psycho and a teenage girl are walking thru dark scary woods..Teanage girls says"My I am very scared walking thru these woods" The psycho replies"How do you think I feel ? I have to walk back alone"
Wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!" 