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Dear Friday, You and your friends Saturday and Sunday need to come around more often. I miss you. Love from your biggest fan, me. 
Good morning Tuesday. Please don't come at me so early next time. And if it isn't too big of a deal, I would really like you to change your name to Saturday.
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
England fans : If it makes you feel any better, the cricket team is doing well against the Aussies...
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..
Sometimes I'll find out the actual lyrics to a song and then be sad I looked it up because I like my version better.
When you're driving illegally, suddenly every car is an undercover cop.
so far I've handed out 23 caramel covered onions on a stick to trick or treaters... life is fun
You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.
People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.
Selecting a menu item at a Mexican restaurant is easy once you decide how many times you want your food folded.
Occasionally I look up from my iPhone and have no idea where I'm at.
The girl I'm dating has a kid who just started high school. She wanted ME of all people to have a talk with him about "the birds and the bees" We talked for about 4 hours, and I gotta tell ya, I learned A LOT.
Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.
This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, "Good Morning Sexy." I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.
I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.
I wanted to learn a second language and could not afford Rosetta Stone so I bought a Pitbull CD.
milk expires tomorrow, guess who's having 3 bowls of cereal tonight!:D
If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids you started out with that morning, then you've done your job as a parent.
Please be patient! Even a toilet can only handle one A$$hole at a time!!! 