Funny Status Messages

   There is a little truth behind every just kidding, a little curiosity behind every just wondering, a little knowledge behind every I dont know, and a little emotion behind every I dont care

   Fun idea: No kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

   If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will?

   Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.

   Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open

   Since when does 3-6 inches of snow draw the need for a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called that winter.

   I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

   According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.

   It's very important that EVERYONE gets a flu shot this year so I don't have to.

   My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.

   If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.

   I'm doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!

   My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"

   In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.

   Hey NFL,solution to your recent problem,start allowing players to hit each other on the field again......

   Whenever I lock my car, I always press the remote lock button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I MEAN BUSINESS.

   Playboy is dropping nudes because they're too easy to find on the internet? I had no idea. I only read the internet for the articles.

   I was pîssëd when I found my wife's profile on a dating site. That lying bî†ch isn’t "fun to be around."

   I guess you could call her a trophy wife. She’s tattooed with the names of the previous winners.