Funny Status Messages

   Fun idea: No kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

   If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will?

   Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.

   Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open

   Since when does 3-6 inches of snow draw the need for a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called that winter.

   I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

   It's very important that EVERYONE gets a flu shot this year so I don't have to.

   According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.

   I'm doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!

   My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.

   If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.

   It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get it together, every other vegetable

   My New Years resolution is simple.... Remember to write 2015 instead of 2014.

   Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I'll wait.

   "No, I will not pick up that tiny piece of paper or that clump of dog hair. Hey Look!!!! A Sock!!!!" ~ Vacuum cleaners

   I'm "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.

   Keeping your job is the new raise

   If someone starts a sentence with "words can't express," brace yourself, because they're about to give it a hell of a try anyway.

   The Wizard Of OZ is 74 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no heart and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz, she would be in congress!! 😂😆😀

   I need a night time, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, pay my car note and utilities and buy a few groceries, so I can stay home and rest medicine.