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I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon. 
According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.
It's very important that EVERYONE gets a flu shot this year so I don't have to.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
I'm doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
6 of those Extreme Coupon people could fix the entire US Budget.
I have no respect for today's gangs! They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in ''West Side Story'', the gangs used to dance with eachother first!!
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
Im gonna laugh when the day comes when our generation is saying "You spoiled little brats! All we had in our day was Xbox's, PS3's, iphones, flat-screen tv's & laptops, you ungrateful little sh!t"
I just sent out my daily 6am text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."
Just once when they interview a serial killer's neighbor I'd like to hear them say "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, I told people for years he was gonna do this"
When you're driving illegally, suddenly every car is an undercover cop.
so far I've handed out 23 caramel covered onions on a stick to trick or treaters... life is fun
You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.
People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.
Selecting a menu item at a Mexican restaurant is easy once you decide how many times you want your food folded.
Occasionally I look up from my iPhone and have no idea where I'm at.
The girl I'm dating has a kid who just started high school. She wanted ME of all people to have a talk with him about "the birds and the bees" We talked for about 4 hours, and I gotta tell ya, I learned A LOT. 