Funny Status Messages

   The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the "I'm sick" voice.

   I hate it when I'm telling an awesome story, and realize halfway through that I should not be telling it to the person that I am.

   Looking for a New Year's resolution? Why don't we work on that whole "your/you're" thing...

   Should we REALLY put labels on paint cans warning people that eating it could kill them? I mean, should we TRY to save anyone who would make a conscious decision to eat paint?

   2 words have opened alot of doors for me....Push and Pull....

   My decision to not hold the door for the person walking at a questionable distance behind me is usually met with immediate guilt as I bolt through the door and sprint ahead to widen the gap and justify my move.

   Apparently there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

   It's that time of year again when I don't need the refrigerator to keep the beer cold.

   doesn't want to brag or make anybody jealous . . . but she can still fit into the earrings she wore in high school!!

   White Privilege is how Willy Nelson got his assets seized for owing $15 million and Al Sharpton visits the White House while owing $19 MIllion... OH WAIT!

   well done naagraj, 8 consecutive posts with no likes. Your a legend

   When will women ever learn? Never introduce your man to your hotter friend.

   Hey Motels, you can take the "Color TV" signs down now. We know....

   I miss the days when you could simply push somebody in the pool without wondering if their iPhone is in their pocket!

   I like mario. he's cool. he's all like " hello, I'm maaarrio, I'm a Italian plumber created by japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican."

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen.

   If someone held a gun to my head I still don't think it would be as scary as almost tipping backwards off of a chair

   Everything ██is█████ ████ ████fine ███ █ ████ love. ████ █████ the ███ Egypt ███ ████ government ██

   When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you're seeing somebody else!” and run crying.

   Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate's face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.