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Don't be Jealous of Me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes you'd probably need year of therapy. 
Before you judge people, make sure you're better than them, or at least you're not one of them.
I can't hear you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question
Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie
, "so let me get this straight. Sex and the City is about three hookers and their mom?".
Tell your friends that the F5 key puts photos back the way they were on facebook:)
suggests: The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
it me or does everyone get sick of pancakes by the time you are done eating them...
ready to have male pattern baldness become "in style"
I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
there is a big diffrence when a boy and a girl says "i went through a box of tissue watching a movie"
If you put a empty 40oz bottle to your ear , you can hear the ghetto .
I wish you people would punctuate and capitalize your sentences correctly. It makes copying and pasting easier.
I want my tombstone to say "Don't just stand there... water my flowers."
It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
To the people of the land of the free and home of the brave ...we salute you and mourn with you...
You know you drank too much last night when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator."
My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her !
You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!"
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can't find it... 