Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes the dreams that come true are the dreams you never knew you had. Like when the vending machine gives you 2 soda's

   It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

   Whenever I accidentally enter a wrong room I like to yell out a large number before excusing myself and leaving. That way everyone is left with a mystery to discuss, such as "What the hell does 402 mean?"

   I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.

   The next person to tell me I overreact is going to get stabbed.

   You're saying I'm immature. Well, you're immature times infinity.

   WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.

   There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker

   old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says 'LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX" he replies "PICK ONE,I CAN'T DO BOTH"

   At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?

   You'd think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.

   Justin Bieber has given away his pet hamster to a fan. She should probably wash it.

   Dear car dealerships; whoever told you we like shouting commercials lied...

   One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

   I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...

   I'm at my most likable before you get to know me.

   To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!

   So we gain a Kardashian but lose Tony Soprano ? Lifes exchange rate just took a dip ....

   Little known fact... Any uneaten Little Caesars pizza turns back into cardboard after 30 minutes.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single d