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Facebook is the Hotel California of the new millennium. You can log out any time you like, but you can never leave. 
"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.
Peter Griffin doesn't look so stupid now with his volcano insurance.
What a sweet lemonade stand. Your daughter is going be a wonderful bartender when she grows up.
From now on if you type, "LOL" you should have to submit a video proving it.
The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.
Please stop telling me how poor you are via Facebook for iPhone.... really?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Today at school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I dont want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.
Ladies: if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it
my neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.
Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
You are now aware that you can't say Irish wristwatch.
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol....
You know those little screens at the gas pumps? They should start showing porn, so I can watch someone else getting screwed at the pump.
thinking if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks. 