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Whenever one office door closes, 50 browser windows open. 
I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.
If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.
"A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting." -Terri Guillemets
I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms
I don't like people who can't make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Things you can say when you have nothing to say: 1. It is what it is 2. It's just not meant to be 3. Everything happens for a reason 4. Word
Have you ever noticed that Velma(from Scooby-Doo) only says who the bad guy is after she pulls off their mask. And then conveniently knew it was him or her all along.
Goooodnight Vietnam !!! RIP Robin Williams one of a kind...
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you're hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation..
RadioShack has announced plans to close 1,000 stores throughout the U.S. RadioShack customers were very upset when they got the news on their pagers.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Today at school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.
my neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I dont want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.
Ladies: if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it
Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else.
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