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Wonder if the cure to the Coronavirus can be found in the Tupperware container in the back of my refrigerator? 
Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be looters. Because the mamas who let their babies grow up to be cowboys are gonna have them kick your babies' sorry a$$es.
I called the book store and asked for some new book I had heard about on improving one's s€x life. The clerk said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." I go, "Yep, that's the one!"
"We do not consider Melania's speech to be plagarism....As there was no intent to plagarism" - FBI Director Comey
Everytime I do something dumb, I just remind myself that at least I don't believe in a imaginary guy named 'Q' who can do anything in this world. That always makes me feel better.
Friends are like boobs. Some are big, some are small, and some are fake.
Fringe benefits??? And all these years i've been going around like a moron saying "French Benefits"...
checking my Myspace account....wishing Tom a Happy New year. Anyone remembers where the sign-off button is at?
"Most of my friends are guys" means you have a line of dudes who are clandestinely trying to bone you.
I bet there was a lot of red solo cups used last night
I know the Students have returned to school, But when did our once funny site become a Agony Aunt, lighten up people. Personal problems are Personal !!
Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words that go unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeating inside my head.
Before I married my wife she always said how smart I was. After we got married, according to her, I became a complete idiot who could not even tie his own shoes without her help. Please explane how I retrograded.
The DOT sent me the wrong personalized plates. They say ASSMAN
Have you ever watched you sister or gf actually play a fightin game? Its like watchin a cat on ice playin with bubble wrap.
Kim Kardashian Wants To Experience Tebow Time?!?! No, Kimmy, Tebow cannot restore your virginity.
I'm not hungover, I'm just tired from a long night of drinking
Why is it when I'm on my lunch break my wall is hella quiet. Then from 12:30 to 3:30 all sorts of drama happens...jerks, I wanna be in the loop!
What I hate most about Twitter: finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi
We have several extra kids in our house that are invisible - their names are ~ "It wasn't me," "I don't know," and "Why me" 