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Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air! 
Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it.
I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.
The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.
My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.
I know it's 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
What doesn't kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?
I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.
Every phone should have the same charger!
Not having internet on my phone makes me feel like a social leper. At the bar, all my friends are updating statuses, posting pictures and googling things. I'm just hanging out, checking my contacts list and re-reading old texts.
No, I'm not "done sleeping." In fact, I will never be done sleeping, I'm merely taking a break in order to earn money so that I may keep my bed in its current, climate-controlled location.
Two blondes fall down a pit. First Blonde: "It's dark in here isn't it..." Second Blonde: "I don't know, I can't see..." 