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The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.
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06-11-2012 20:49
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Today my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she said I was the other guy.
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06-17-2012 12:24
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R.I.P. Rodney King...I'm not quite sure, but getting drunk and smoking "hippy lettuce" in the pool seems to be about as good of an idea as hiring Robert Wagner to be your swim coach...just sayin!
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06-17-2012 15:19 by
totalpackage
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I saw some chick get her nipple pierced last night..... Man, I am so bad at darts when I'm drunk.
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06-30-2012 16:13 by
Marshall the Great
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Why isn't “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
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07-10-2012 22:03 by
BEGO
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Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
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07-11-2012 16:43 by
Marshall the Great
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no need to scroll further, as it only get worse from here...
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11-29-2016 17:00
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Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.
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01-18-2017 12:50 by
Kisstopher707
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These Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
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01-30-2017 07:05 by
Mike c
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Most immigrants still have a lot to learn about America. Like, if you're going to take a day off, take Friday, not Thursday...
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02-17-2017 15:26
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Do you ever feel like you're in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
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07-07-2016 15:16
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When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
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07-24-2016 07:39 by
flinnie
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If becoming "religious" has made you more judgmental, rude, harsh or a backbiter, you need to check again if you are worshiping God or your Ego
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12-07-2017 08:08
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the guy at subway put the potato chips on my sandwich without me even asking. either he's stoned or he knows that I am
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10-07-2010 12:55 by
levon
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:): The Bipolar smiley face
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12-03-2010 09:28 by
Heather25
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whoever just posted these last few statuses is a complete IDIOT!!
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06-02-2011 07:43
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Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
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08-26-2011 19:47 by
Aaron
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The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.
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03-30-2011 12:16 by
Marshall the Great
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Guy in office: "My computer just went down on me!" Lady in next office: "Which button did you press to get that???"
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04-12-2011 16:15 by
Master Weeg
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YAWN so I can see if you're the one...
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03-17-2010 13:43 by
Samir Momin
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