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When I die I want written on my tombstone "Finally Offline". 
Dear Mr. Coffee, Do you even manufacture a coffee pot that doesn't spill when you pour out of it? -Early Riser
Dear Facebook, thanks for reminding me why moving away from my hometown was the best decision ever.
Just adjusted my life insurance policy to include the purchase of a hologram of myself that will blend into the crowd at my funeral.
Good things come to those who wait. Well.. except for the people on death row.
I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand!
If you're not working on trying to be mine, then you shouldn't be worrying about who's consuming my spare time.
We need to employ ninja doctors to do vasectomies secretly to stop dipsh!ts from breeding.
Carlos Santana must be relieved that his look-alike Gadaffi is gone.
When I am on vacation I put in my Out of Office message to contact Batman with any problems, as I feel he is the only one qualified to replace me anyway.
Damn, three raptures and I'm still here....I'm starting to think there must be something wrong with me.
There is so little food in my house right now I think I saw some ants putting together a grocery list.
Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
whoever just posted these last few statuses is a complete IDIOT!!
:): The Bipolar smiley face
the guy at subway put the potato chips on my sandwich without me even asking. either he's stoned or he knows that I am
YAWN so I can see if you're the one...
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart
If breast/penis enlargment cream worked, wouldn't your hands get bigger?
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air! 