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The new iPhone costs $999. The entire Cracker Barrel menu costs 887.71. Let that sink in. 
Treat every problem like a dog...piss on it and walk off!
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.
Angering someone is one thing, but hurting them changes everything.
I guess Kim Jong-un is burning out his fuse up there alone this morning.
I just found a worm in the apple I was about to have for lunch. But I guess that's better than finding half a worm after I had taken a bite.
A bachelor dates 20 hot girls all at the same time, and they are all good with this, and they call it a "reality show."
Why doesn't this superglue lock on things tightly like it does its own cap?
If you thought Han Solo was cool you should see his brother Guitar
Not to be outdone. Caitlyn Jenner announces it is pregnant!
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Moron is more of a complement, compare to the other terms people use.
The ocean is so deep that most people can't fathom it.
My dog Max has a problem with chasing people on a bike. It finially reached a point yesterday where I had to take his bike away.
Yeah, the coach doing cocaine makes the NFL look so innocent huh libtards?
I don't mind going to work every day and working with a bunch of a**holes. I'm a proctologist.
Mclovin' it.
Obama: I like Coke. Fox News: Obama has declared war on Pepsi.
I just wanted to let everyone to know - yesterday I received my Obama stimulus package for 2010. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. Hope you get yours soon! 