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Ving, my Asian friend wanted to change his name to Lee. We filled out the paperwork and went to the name change office and got in line. He got nervous and wanted to change his mind but I said "Don't stop, be Lee Ving!!" 
Jeff Bezos: "Alexa. Buy me something from Whole Foods." Alexa: "Buying Whole Foods." Bezos: "$h!t."
An American cop fearing for his/her life has a right to take yours even if that fear is unfounded.
If you take a girl to dinner, don't make your eyes huge when you look at the prices on the menu and then tell her she can order a hot dog or a hamburger from the children's menu. (Trust me on this one...)
There's a big difference between a girl and a guy using a whole box of kleenex while watching a movie...
Take the number of letters in your last name and divide that by your pin number. What answer did you get? That's correct.
Its so hot outside, the little devil that sits on my shoulder trying to be a bad influence just jumped off my shoulder and started digging his way back to hell.
The Dallas Cowboys just offered OJ a 2 year contract.
If I was out there on a boat or scuba diving, It'd be "shart week" for me
Ian Hart wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell
When Kim Fatass Un bombs us, are we gonna blame Obama?
I just got fired for cooking broccoli in the company break room.
Happy August 4! The International Beer Day!
I think my cat is a Scientologist.
One doesn't know, what they don't know, untill they don't know it.
The Mrs is visiting her mother this weekend, so the dog and I are smoking cigars and playing poker. In our underware!!!!!
The body of a man was found in Pizza Hut this morning, covered in cheese, tomatoes, onions and peperami Police are working on the theory that he may have topped himself!!
I'm sure the white house has leaks....it's an old building
Looks like all the funny kids are back in school...
What's better than a talking cat? A spelling bee. 