Funny Status Messages

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.

   I have always been told to never say "never." On that note, never get into a food fight with cannibals and never be caught dead with a necrophilac.

   "Sometimes the unicorn isn't a unicorn, it's just a donkey with a plunger on its face."

   I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

   A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.

   I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.

   everyone was clapping for me when I got off the plane...I bet those military guys behind me were jealous.

   Hot girls always have their statuses "like"d by dozens of people no matter how stupid the statuses may be.

   going thru the airport scan today with a complete spiderman suit under my street clothes

   Can people just go for a bike ride without having to dress up like some Lance Armstrong clone?

   In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

   It is not pre marital sex if you have no intention of getting married

   a paper cut is a trees last revenge =)

   For the person who picked on you in school, stole your boyfriend/girlfriend from you, spread lies and rumors about you, didn't help you in anyway possible....all of a sudden......wants to be your friend on Facebook.

   Doesn't it feel like the Facebook friends who NEVER respone to your posts are secretly judging you?

   I Spent the last 30 minutes trying to trim my side burns and am now sporting a nice mohawk..

   Everyone has the power to make someone else happy. Some do it by entering the room, while others do it by leaving.

   Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.

   This new layout has me more confused than a cow on astroturf.