Funny Status Messages

   Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that's had "insufficient funds".

   I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.

   For f_€ k sakes! How about something funny instead of intra national hate dialog.

   Don't judge a man by how low his pants hang below his ass...just kidding, that's a great reason to judge someone.

   You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.

   Girls have their phone nonstop. So if they don't text you back within 30 minutes, she ain't feeling you bro.

   All I'm saying is that Schwarzenegger isn't the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.

   I have always been told to never say "never." On that note, never get into a food fight with cannibals and never be caught dead with a necrophilac.

   "Sometimes the unicorn isn't a unicorn, it's just a donkey with a plunger on its face."

   I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

   Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.

   A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.

   I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.

   everyone was clapping for me when I got off the plane...I bet those military guys behind me were jealous.

   Hot girls always have their statuses "like"d by dozens of people no matter how stupid the statuses may be.

   going thru the airport scan today with a complete spiderman suit under my street clothes

   Can people just go for a bike ride without having to dress up like some Lance Armstrong clone?

   In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

   It is not pre marital sex if you have no intention of getting married