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Most schools have renamed Tug of War to "Tug of Strength." What's next? "Tug of Everybody Wins Just By Showing Up?" 
For me to go insane would be such a slight change that I don't think anybody would notice...
The best thing about hanging out with kids is they can't bore you by talking about their kids.
The best selling books are cookbooks and the second are diet books. So you can learn how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
"Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks I've consumed
Since "nobody's perfect," I'm gonna go ahead and take the initiative...
I've got to stop believing everything I think.
Textaphrenia – thinking you've heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
The toughest activity of a week starts right from Monday morning....its called "Waking Up"
Just saw a commercial for a new show called The Unpoppables...one of the guys in the show said: "There is a thin layer of rubber between success and failure." That should be the new slogan for MTV's 16 and Pregnant...
Ever notice how unaware people are of the world around them? No?
One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.
Whoever invented Copy & Paste should have been awarded a Nobel Prize.
that weird momment when ur pet comes in ur room, stares, then walks back out.
when you see a sign at a restaurant that says 'employees must wash BOTH hands', I think that's when you have to worry...
Appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.
Wondering if the inventor of the remote was clever or just lazy.
Vodka is the drink of feelings. Whiskey is the drink of revenge against feelings. I'll take one of each, please.
Sorry to say, but if you're celebrating Veterans Day by calling into work so you can stay home and play Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3, then you're doing it wrong.
I joined Facebook as an outlet to complain about stuff, now I need someplace to complain about Facebook. 