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Just ate at a new combination pizzeria/Buddhist temple. Their motto: Give Pizza Chants. 
I like to stop the microwave with one second to go. It makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Nobody blamed the lightsaber....then again, they didn't let every stupid moron have one.
You know what's beautiful?
Read the first word again.
Me on a first date: How many FBI investigations does it take for people to realize she's a SCUMBAG. Her: . . .
If you want to get a bead on how cuckoo women are, just look at your fb newsfeed.
dont fart in an apple store, they dont have windows
They say that shopping while you are hungry is the worst thing you can do, but I think clubbing a seal is, at least, equally bad.
If your Tupperware has "nutrition facts" on the side of the container, you might be a redneck
Seen a women in the supermarket wearing toilet paper on her face instead of a mask and thought to myself Toilet paper - It's not just used on regular asses anymore.
Please don't tell China I know all kinds of Super Secret Stuff! They might send one of those Hot Chinese Spies to Work me Over!
The Democrat National Convention is going to be so interesting that Black Lives Matter memboers are even going to stop shooting Cops to watch it.
"If Hitler loses there will be matzo ball soup trucks on every corner." - Hitler Supporter
Lester Holts patience was the real loser of the debate
You know how old I am? It used to be normal to order something and have to wait six to eight weeks to get it.
as we get older we begin to enter the Metallic Age.....we get silver in our hair, gold in our teeth and lead in our pants!
It is never greener on the other side, especially IF you take good care of your own lawn and take time to appreciate it!!!
I can't listen to "Right Now" by Van Halen anymore, because all I can think of is Crystal Clear Pepsi.
The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.
makes mistakes but the only difference between my mistakes and yours is that I learn from mine... 