Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos

   In Heaven, donuts are glazed on both sides

   I had "Abstinence-only" sex education when I was in high school. It was called "Marching Band".

   When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.

   Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.

   It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   Has anyone ever noticed that they never actually tell us how to get to Sesame Street?

   My favourite childhood memory...not paying bills

   Wife: Wanna have sex? Me: Sure, a quickie or do you want the full 2 minutes?

   Shout out to the knife for always having my back.

   I'm the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.

   Thanks for being the kind of friend who will laugh during the eulogy at my funeral because you knew the real story.

   Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

   One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...

   A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge

   From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.

   You never really know if you're over someone until you're in the car and they're in the crosswalk.