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Stop saying you have lake front property, that's a freakin' ponding basin. 
Coffee allows me to make bad decisions faster.
Canada send us Justin beiber, we send Dennis Rodman to Korea, Korea send Gungnam Psy to The world.....just funny how the world works
My girlfriend wanted a Cinderella-themed birthday party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my place!
I had too much to drink so I did the right thing and walked home from the bar instead of driving. Then I got busted for public intoxication. FML.
I can't believe they made us watch that to get to the halftime show
The excitement of getting to the office first and wondering how many things I can rub my balls on before someone else gets here. That.
After appearing in a commercial during the Super Bowl, people are accusing Bob Dylan of selling out. Today Dylan responded by saying, "Everyone needs to calm down, have a Bud Light, and relax at a Sandals Resort."
I'm not funny, but I'm so stupid
If you're ever asked: do you think my baby is cute, at least it's healthy is not the answer. . .
If two Chocolate bars are stuck together it counts as one - so shut up please!
At some point, a guy looked at a berry that was clearly purple and called it a blueberry. AND WE ARE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN!!!!
Just ate a half slice of cold pizza abandoned by my kid and wondered for the first time if I really AM Living My Best Life
the wife just woke me up and told me to quit snoring, I said I never snore I just dream I'm a motorcycle. ..
I just had a bite of Wookie candy... It tasted pretty good but it was kinda Chewy. I soooo stole that joke from 1983.
You can't buy a woman's love, but you can buy a human heart... Seriously, go look on Craigslist.
Wedding anniversaries are meant to celebrate the number of years a couple has been married, not how long they've been happy
The most pathetic thing I read in the news today is that: The Jonas Brothers Break Up. That's F - N funny, Umm they're brothers. . .
My haiku for the day: Please this is tourture, evaluate your bitstrip, you don't look like that.
Just heard on the News that they have cut the food stamp program. So, this is our government saying to the less fortunate of our country, wait for it... "Happy Thanksgiving"! 