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Snotty Funny Status Messages
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Accidental death from an overdose of laxatives would be... (remove your shades) ...a shi**y way to die.
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03-17-2012 19:12 by
snotty
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2
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I just misspelled a word so badly,, that autocorrect shut my phone off and gave me explosive diarrhea.
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03-19-2012 00:15 by
snotty
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0
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It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"
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03-19-2012 11:05 by
snotty
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I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die
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03-19-2012 11:21 by
snotty
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Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life? Well then by MY calculations,, I died in 1853
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03-20-2012 08:31 by
snotty
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For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the eye they want me to look at when we're talking... I keep switching back and forth..
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03-20-2012 18:01 by
snotty
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0
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Good news is,, I got the giraffe to fit in the catapult.. Now who wants to light it on fire?
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03-21-2012 18:13 by
snotty
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I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
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03-21-2012 18:15 by
snotty
Comments (
1
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When my chatty mom trails me around the store, I fill my cart with condoms, KY, duct tape, rubber gloves, and tequila, singing "Whip It".
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03-21-2012 18:19 by
snotty
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Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?
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03-21-2012 20:15 by
snotty
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0
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Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.
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03-22-2012 20:35 by
snotty
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Pull up to the gas pump,,tanks on the wrong side.. Did a u-ie,,Tanks still on the wrong side... I quietly got back in my car and left.
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03-22-2012 20:37 by
snotty
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I think someone used my toothbrush to scrub the toilet because my toilet tastes like toothpaste
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03-22-2012 20:41 by
snotty
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0
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For softer cookies,,, skip the baking part and just eat the dough.
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03-23-2012 17:18 by
snotty
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0
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Ironically, after their one hit,,, Chumbawumba got knocked down and never got back up again.
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03-23-2012 17:29 by
snotty
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0
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TMZ just reported that Stephen Hawking and Siri are now officially dating.
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03-24-2012 09:36 by
snotty
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0
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Never trust a rabbit or a duck,,, if you want to find out which hunting season it is.
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03-24-2012 09:37 by
snotty
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0
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Been at this farmer's market for an hour,,, Still can't find the guy that sells the smug sense of superiority everyone here has.
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03-24-2012 16:43 by
snotty
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I love Captain Crunch,,, and by that I mean I can't get enough of tasting the "roof of my mouth" skin... Two more bowls till I can tongue my brain.
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03-24-2012 19:17 by
snotty
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And now I must perform the nightly ritual where I use "floss" to purify my gums of their excess blood
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03-26-2012 21:00 by
snotty
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0
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