Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   Behind every great man is a great woman telling him he's not as great as he thinks he is.

   I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers

   I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

   Glad my work doesn't do drug tests cause everyone would find out I'm a loser who doesn't party

   If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be "Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics."

   The people who need firecracker safety tips aren't the people who read firecracker safety tips.

   As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee

   I can't seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.

   if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger

   if you're the type of neighbor that likes to scream and yell till 3am, then I'll be the type of neighbor to mow at 6am!

   if you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this"

   I thought when people lie to me their pants were supposed to catch on fire. Turns out that's a lie also. Trust no one.

   I'm that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.

   My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   This world is not going to make any real progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"