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*Gets a DUI playing Mario Kart 
Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of ... oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.
Beware of popping weasels.
Since it's throwback Thursday, Ima throwback some booze!
I've been embarrassed by my weight since, I dunno...it was first listed on my birth certificate.
Be a lady until you're in the bedroom.. Or kitchen, living room, on the floor or against the wall. You know what, just be a lady in public.
I'm capable of love but i'm also capable of diarrhea so it's back to square one with me
I'm not calling it....but I don't think Sir Mix-a-lot is really a knight.
Me: honey, would you be psycho enough to murder my ass? Wife: "wear my thongs one more time and see what happens to you!"
My doctor says I should exercise. Uh, excercise. That's that thing where you have to move, right?
That frisk you give yourself when you can’t feel your phone. you even pat your knees like your phone could ever be there.
I only date women that aren't my wife.
I drank a weight loss shake, immediately weighed myself and I gained 12 ounces...this stuff is a bunch of malarkey!
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I'm the only party guest.
off to see the wizard......apparently the brain he gave her doesnt work!!!
If I told you the Brooklyn Bridge was for sale would you buy it? Well I don't buy your bullsh!t either!
some people need to learn proper "Jump Off" ettiquetts.
Anybody have the list of the theme weeks that are on Facebook? I don't want to miss out on "PAROLE OFFICER WEEK" or "PROCTOLOGIST WEEK". Thanks
Making lunches for my kids I spotted some mold on the block of cheese and was about to throw it away. My mom stopped me and told me to scrape it off. "They won't even notice... just like you never did." Mom is no longer allowed in the kitchen....EVER..! 