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Might as well change name to Boring S tatus Messages for F acebook. 
It’s funny that there aren’t that many female mechanics yet most women try so hard to "fix" men.
I'm fluent in French, but only during sex or when I stub my toe.
I hated grade one because my teacher could never remember my name. What made it worse was that I was home schooled!
A new study shows that as people get older women retain memory better than men. This just proves that thing my wife told me...
thinks those that have the grass is greener complex are never happy unless they're miserable
Please stop calling it "guac" like you two pledged a sorority together your sophomore year. It's guacamole.
Weekly I confine my exercises to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck. I have already lost at least 3 friends....
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder. They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
The saying goes, there's someone out there for everyone. Maybe your someone is way out there, on another planet. . .
I'm all for going out to a social gathering but I draw a line at someone starting a conversation with me
*email from Domino's .....You haven't ordered pizza in 2 days... Is everything all right?
*my finger on her lips* sshhhh, I just told you what I think, don't ruin the moment by saying what you think too.
An app that displays the word "Yo" on a freinds lock screen... and that's all it does has raised over $1 million. In related news, I no longer want to live on this planet anymore.
I'll be right with you, I'm busy being inappropriate on the internet.
fall in love with someone who treats you like Kanye West treats Kanye West.
It's not love if she takes the money off of the dresser.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
I nominate Clint Eastwood,to the Franklin Mo. challence,to go straighten this whole mess out and restore law and order.You have 24 hours...good luck! 