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I decided to nickname my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do when I wake up every morning is go to the Jim. 
I imagine that fish that are caught and released are the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
If Zombies eat brains, I know a lot of people who have nothing to worry about. . .
FACT: They'll never give me control of the church bells and even if they do I’ll abuse it and lose the privilege so fast.
Texted my wife "Nooooooo!" but it autocorrected to "Mooooooo!" and now I can never come home
I suffer from a rare condition known as Aibohphobia, which is an unreasonable fear of palindromes.
No GPS,,, I will not take the road less traveled. I live in Maine,, Have you seen Deliverance?
If you work really hard and never give up, some perverted unrecognizable version of your dreams will come true.
American Idol is now officially done. The men's leather cuff bracelet industry will collapse.
Ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin says "Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am." I didn't know this flakey woman was even a scientist until now.
Coffee! If you're not shaking, you need another cup.
Always look after your kids while visiting the Gorilla enclosure at the zoo, or the Gorilla will get shot....
It’s so hot down in Washington D.C. yesterday that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate..
Craziest superstition I ever heard - whatever you doing when the New Years come, that's gonna what you do for the rest of the year! So does anyone wanna go drinking with me on New Years?
I would prefer a disposable girlfriend over a reusable one.
The only way I know if I've bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
It's sad, 'cause even someone not particularly vain might think a song is about them, if enough details matched up.
I thought the new $100 bill was new... Turns out I've just been broke since they came out
after what ive seen so far, its obvious which team took sdvsntage of their state's weed benefits.
Was late getting to the Super Bowl party and missed the first 15 seconds, but the game was already over. 