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I just yelled, "Hey, sit still! You're getting blood all over the car" if you are wondering how I earned my "#1 Dad" mug. 
I can keep a secret like nobody's business.
My new restaurant "Eat it or go to your room", makes you feel like a kid again!
I am 50 years old and I still have the same body I had when I was 21! the only thing wrong with it is,it could probably do with a good iron.
Could you be more specific when you say "...or else"
Love is a two way street, but sometimes there's a car flipped over blocking both lanes of traffic.
Ladies, short dresses aren’t like your Facebook feed. Continuously pulling them down won’t refresh anything.
Even if I hit the gym hard, the best I could hope for is to be 1950's Tarzan shape.
My girlfriend is so dumb. It's just me and her alone in the living room and she turns around and says "who's farted"
Thought someone was following me around all day but it was just the sound of my thighs rubbing together.
I was caught by surprise at the free concert Miley Cyrus was giving in my local town center. It took me 20 minutes to realize it was just Justin Bieber in panty hose.
I wanna be the one to make you scream, even if it is as you're running away.
I didnt know "Degrees Retard" was a standard unit of measure.
Did you hear that RGIII went to the Redskin coaches and asked them not to show his bad plays during the film session because he is losing his confidence.....What a little diva, maybe they should just show Subway commercials instead...
So the CIA had a secret compound at Gitmo named "Strawberry Fields"? "Poppy Fields" would be a more appropriate name...
A car pulled over. The driver anxiously asked me: "What is the shortest way to South Miami hospital." I said: " Close your eyes and keep driving."
What exactly do you need to eat to achieve "wall splatter" in a public restroom?....* People amaze me.
Ever Since the 80's , my little head has been affected with the "Seka Virus"
This scale will only tell you the numerical value of your gravitational pull. It will not tell you how beautiful you are, how much your friends & family love you, or how amazing you are.
Marijuana: It's not just for Hippies anymore! 