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No, I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.... 
Hey Kermit, there aren't that many songs about rainbows.
Beware of TV. It has the power to turn things like storage, parking and cupcakes into wars.
Some call it drug abuse. I say the drugs get what they deserve.
With all the talent in America it looks like they could have found someone with it to host and judge the show...
I hope Karma punches you in the face before I do.
50 Shades of Grey is stupid. They made the movie before the book. It's called porn... and thanks to the internet, it's free.
People should come with a warning label of does or does not wash hands after using the restroom
Which is worse news this AM, Justin Beiber might have a love child or Herman Cain's believes China doesn't have nukes?
Wanna show your wife who's boss? Get her a mirror.
"You should know that when I say it ain't nothin' but a G thang, sometimes it *is* more than just a G thang!" - passive-aggressive Dr. Dre
Lazy Fact #12983789127489: You were too lazy to read that number .
I got 98.988 problems and rounding up is one of them.
When I go to Subway and a guy makes my sandwhich, it just doesnt taste the same...
Even if you live your life as a open book, people will still wonder which pages have secret messages.
I gave up organized religion for lent a long time ago...
My wife told me to whisper dirty things to her, so I said "The Kitchen, Living room, Bedroom....
Most of the lies I tell aren't even true!
Sometimes you have to dream in the middle of a nightmare.
Today marks the two year anniversary of the end of the world... and I am still waiting. . . 