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"by himself, but not alone. " 
the reason therapists have to get therapy
wonders if you can bring sexy back without a reciept.
wants a Sunggie made out of ShamWow material
America sacrificed its hero's to be free, so idiots like you can post stupid status
What I learned from Gilligan's Island: You can go camping for five years wearing a pair of white pants and they will still look brand new.
I hope the police take the Orange Man's advice and rough him up when he is finally arrested for being a Russian Spy.
thinks real men should never say the words "sippy cup".
just found out why the chicken crossed the road....it's really not that funny
used to be legit. He was too legit. He was too legit to quit... but now he's not legit. He's unlegit. And for that reason, he must quit.
The weather is such a slut, when its hot out it makes everyone take there cloths off, the wind is always blowing people, the rain make everybody wet, and the snow covers everybody in white stuff.
Madonna picked to sing at superbowl halftime, cause if its one thing guys like is an old woman singing lame songs they hated the first time they heard them 30 years ago
"No diet will remove all the fat from your body, because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."
it did not taste like chicken at all
If Casey Anthony writes a book called "If I did it", I will snap.
What do you think it means if there's no fortune in your cookie?
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.
the only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath.
I just told my kids that our dog died, when in reality he went off to live happily on a farm somewhere 