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Governments that try to control the Internet are SOPAthetic. 
I had no idea Joan Rivers could sing!"
A woman is a fantastic substitute for masturbation.
You can take that thumb, and shove it up your A$$.
You know that line that you aren't supposed to cross? I think I just snorted it.
A good way to revoke Bill Cosby's medal of freedom would be to slip him drugs and then take it while he's unconscious...... next question
Before I had a kid I thought,,,,, Gosh, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning.
My girlfriend is so sweet, I decided to get another one.
I've started this new bacon free diet today. So if the bacon is free, I'll eat it
Music, Children, and Dogs: The world's three greatest anti-depressants.
I don't know that Hamas and ceasefire should be used in the same sentence...
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said "strip down facing me," she was referring to my credit card.
Dear Abby My husband underwent a psych evaluation at work It said he was a compulsive eater. Should I be worried? He's a gynecologist
f a midget smokes weed does he get high or medium??
As I was leaving work a coworker said “SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!” and now I'm slashing his tires.
Got a tattoo that's says "mom". My mom got a tattoo that says "what". We're tattoo texting.
My dog once licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from Everest
I'll have a PB&J ... Hold the "P" and the "&"
Ya know what Lance Armstrong and I have in common? We both woke up this morning with the same amount of Tour de france medals!!
Musl/ms dont use toilet paper. Starbucks vows to hire 10,000 of them. Enjoy your coffee. 