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s/o to the pig that died to make this bacon I'm eating. You, sir, are delicious. Enjoy the afterlife, you've earned it. 
sitting close to a kid with ADHD. It's like ADD but the symptoms are more vivid.
Tomorrow is National No Panties Day and Mandatory Skirt Day also !
Does your a** ever get jealous of the big amount of sh*t that comes out of your mouth??
Motivated Idiot: Just found out Vodka is made from potatoes.... Which means once upon a time, someone looked at a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius! I'm currently looking at this carrot, any minute now I'll be a genius.......
Ok, so Christmas has just started. I guess it's time to start buying Easter decorations!
According to a recent survey just released this week, one-third of all mall Santa Claus' have had a child urinate in their lap. Even worse, the other two-thirds have urinated in their own laps.
I just realized immature spells I'm mature.
Christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Claus... I wanna be 19 again.
Don't make conclusions when you are not involved. Don't judge others on their mistakes when you are making your own.
"Well Fine! If you don't have anything nice to say...Then.. Take off your clothes..!?!"
A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat
If you can't live without me, Why aren't you dead yet?
I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, i'd drink it.
If I sold underwear, they'd be pre-streaked for those poor dudes who feel embarrassed because they don't know how to wipe properly. My slogan? "We've got this s*** covered."
Advertisers: you can stop using "it will change your life" as a selling point. Cocaine, unemployment, and AIDS will also change your life.
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
God should have made stupidity painful.
Best Film went to a silent movie made by Frenchmen and Best Foreign film went to Iran. 2 sure signs the world is ending soon.
Product Marketing idea: Taylor Swiffer. Boom. 