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Dad, what's it like to be in a relationship? Well son, remember how I taught you chess? Where the King can only move one space but the Queen can go anywhere she wants? 
But really, how DO they signal for Batman during the day!?"
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
*crawls into bed* dad, I had a nightmare. Can I sleep here? *dad sighs* "Son youre 30 and we live 4 states away. How did you even get here?"
Happy Canada Day! Time to get drunk eh?!?!
Kanye West will be releasing a country album under the pseudonym of Kanye Twitty.
Drinky Poos'- What a girl calls a drink to try and be cute. Drinky Poos'- What a man has the morning after a night of drinking.
This ice water challenge for ALS is over rated.. I did it to the wife while she was sleeping. Now she has Tourettes Syndrome.
Roses are red, violets are blue, a case of beer costs less than dinner for two. . .
I impress people by referring to my friends or followers as my "entourage" and my status updates as my "portfolio". In return, people refer to me as a "d*ck".
[shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Super creepy Rob Lowe and I are going to kick Rob Lowes ass
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Santa know's where all the bad girls live but only empties his sack once a year. WTF?
Kanye West?......I've never heard of her!
I need to make some new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me!
Rip: Shirley Temple
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Between Bruce (Caitlyn) Jenner and Rachel (NAACP) Dolezal I am now thoroughly convinced that I am a black woman trapped in a white mans body! Mmmmhmm! Hooooo Damn! Girl! 