Joser Funny Status Messages

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   I don't tell lies, just fiction short stories

   When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name

   Google is really an undercover gambling addiction hence clicking "I'm Feeling Lucky" compulsively.

   Little known fact: "Ikea" is actually Swedish for the sound one makes when sh*tty furniture falls apart.

   The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

   Birds of a feather flock together...then sh*t on your car...

   I plan on using a treasure map as my will

   Apparently the forklifts at home depot are "not meant for racing and for employee use only."They should really get a sign..

   Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.

   Seriously, "BFF" I've haven't spoken to in 4 months, you deleted me on Facebook?? It only took me a month to notice. I thought we were tight

   I think people would be less likely to piss me off if they knew how much I watch Forensic Files

   I wish there was a "I liked your Facebook status until every one of your moron friends had to comment on it

   I'm beginning to think the only real committed women are the ones who are institutionalized.

   Behind every great man is a ninja. And behind that ninja is another ninja.

   Traffic lights are society's way of mocking the colorblind.

   I enjoy watching uptight people try to act laid back.

   Its been a business doing pleasure with you...

   Giving this positive outlook thing the old college try. Which means I'll only try on Tuesdays and Thursdays after noon.

   100 calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off.