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If Clint Eastwood sneezes on you, it counts as a baptism. 
I think I've got Bieber Fever. Wait, wait, no, it's Ebola. What a relief!
stayed awake to watch the Daylight Savings countdown, and still up from all the excitement. #TheyDidntDropABall
There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye. I don't know what that means, but think about it.
Party Rule No.1: Always make the party worth the hangover.
I don't care how old you are, When you see a balloon about to hit the floor, you dive too stop that sh*t.
S.I.N.G.L.E. = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one (L)ife's (E)asier
Understand that the road to zombie hell is paved with absolutely good intestines.
I think the english language is declining... 1992: I like big butts and I cannot lie. 2006: Booty Booty Booty rockin' everywhere. 2011: ass ass ass ass ass ass.
You're like a Password. Hard to figure out, but I always want to keep trying.
If I am arguing with someone and they say "READ MY LIPS" I slap them in the mouth and tell them my vision is bad so I need large print.
Son told me last night if I watched one more episode of Glee he was pulling my "Man" card!! I said whats a "Man" card? He says, something that you no longer have.... Kids these days,,,,,,,
They got chicken-flavored doggy treats..ok...how does a dog know what a chicken is? He might like it if you give it to him, but he's not gonna say "Oh good I was hoping we was gonna have chicken again"
Stop calling yourself sexy. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.
In bed it's 6am, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, its 7:45. At school it's 11:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 11:30
TRUTH IS:... Kardashian should be a verb for "Bounce" "Ayo homie i'd like to kick it but I gotta Kardashian"
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook
My ex was really into erotic asphyxiation. And by "erotic asphyxiation" I mean he was fat and I couldn't breathe.
says If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
I'm so emo I just unfollowed myself then wrote a poem about how it felt. 